When I was younger I had a friend who saw a therapist on a fairly regular basis. (She saw dead people, if I recall. Actually, I've known several people who see ghosts, but I digress...) One of the things I remember her telling me was about a session where she and her therapist discussed anger. According to him (her?), anger is always the second emotion, a snap back of the rubber band of fear, or hurt, or surprise. I've remembered that conversation for more than 20 years and try, even in retrospect, to determine the first emotion when I find myself angry.
Last night I came home from a meeting, angry. Furiously angry. A group of people had spent the better (worse) part of an hour and a half nickering over minute details only to conclude that we'd just need to have another meeting. Okay? NO! It is NOT okay! Because this meeting was the result of a meeting in December, November, October that accomplished just as much nothing. Later, after anesthetizing a little with a (non-fat) hot chocolate and a bowl of (unbuttered) popcorn I've had some time to analyze my anger. What was the first emotion? Undoubtably frustration. If I was 4 I'd have stomped my feet and been done with it. If I was 16 I'd have slid my earbuds in and tuned them out. But nope, not me at 42. I let it build, and build until I came home and was ready to yell at my kids and consider serious damage to a bag of Hershey's Kissables. (sorry for that, they're awful, really. Honest.) Mostly, thank god, I resisted both.
Fast forward from my friend in therapy a few years, to another friend working on her second divorce. She was angry too. Hurt, disillusioned, and angry. She mentioned a book she'd just finished called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I picked up a copy - this was not the first time I'd heard about this book, but didn't read it until some time later. Well. Let me say I believe EVERY woman should read this book. I don't know where my copy went - it got lent to a number of friends and I suspect one of them needed it more than I, and that's fine. I just ordered another copy, because I need to read it again. If I can relearn how dance my way out of anger instead of trying to eat it away, well, that alone is worth the price of another copy.
7 comments:
Thanks, Dorothy, for the book recommendation. I'm going to check it out. I have the same trouble with using food to calm emotions, and I'm working on not doing that. Congrats on the weight loss so far! Jen
Harriet Lerner is a hero of mine. I'm about to start her book on mother/daughter relationships.
I'll bet you are not the only frustrated attendee. Alexis
Thanks Jen. I don't remember if the book deals specifically with eating away your hunger, it just really helps women spcifically deal appropriately with all the anger-creating dynamics in our relationships. It's very empowering. I hope you like it as much as my friends and I did. I hope *I* still do!
Maybe you could start out next months meeting with "Well since we aren't going to get anything done, I vote we all go home"
I wanted to do that many times!
I've read quite a few of Lerner's books. They usually hit the nail on the head for my problem(s).
Another thought...take your knitting. You like to knit and it's portable. Then you are doing something you enjoy while listening to the blather, thus you cancel out the anger.
Nah, I'm just not going anymore. I'll peruse the agenda ahead of time, and if there's nothing that directly affects me, or nothing that interests me enough to put up with the crap, then I'm just not going to go anymore.
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