Wednesday, September 27, 2006


I'm having some commitment issues. Well, actually, I'm not and THAT is a whole 'nother issue. My heart, right now, is not in anything. I get up, I do everything that needs to be done, I go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. I eat when/what/however I want and I feel like crap as a result. Exercise? eh. I thought finishing the binding on that little quilt would kickstart an interest in sewing. nah. Tonight's inspired dinner offering? Pot roast. yawn. The school fundraiser is almost done the sleeper stage and it'll be busy for a bit next week. And then? Don't know, don't care. I'm not committed, and I can't even summon the will to care.

Some people have suggested that this lack of interest is depression. Nah. I know depression, I live with depression 24/7 in the person that sleeps in my bed and messes up my kitchen. Clinical depression has been a part of the person I married since before I married him. Depression kicked me in the head after my oldest son was born, and came back poking me after Daniel. I recognized its dark shadow then and dodged the punch. This isn't depression, this is something less sinister, but less nameable, too. It's easier to fight off the intruder if you know who he is.

So what's the cure? Time? Sleep? Fresh Air? A regimen of work and play that keeps me too busy to sit around ponder how much I'm just going through the motions of all of it? All of the above? None? Sounds, heh, like a list waiting to be written.


Pigley said...

When I feel like that, I shake it up. Do something different. Order something different besides a scone and a latte. Take a different route to the school or post office. Talk to an old friend you haven't talked to in a year or two. Go on an overnight trip somewhere you have never been. Get up in time for a sunrise, or stay up late and sleep in (if you are usually up early). I am sure you can think of something.

Rian said...

I don't know the answer. I wish I did. I have been living in the world you describe for about six months now. I realize it, oh so clearly, but I don't know how to change it or even how to change my feelings about it, which I've always been able to do before. No, it's not depression. It's something else. Maybe it's boredom, or cynicism. If you figure it out, please let me know.

Thank you for putting a vague (but pervasive) feeling into words.

Jane Ann said...

I married a depressed person 19 years ago, thinking depression was to be expected in a suddenly-widowed 48-y-o left with a young child still at home. Only after a year or so did I realize it was a permanent part of his personality. Cynical is his guiding philosphy. It's a buzz-kill, to say the least, and it really drags me down. Since "there's nothing wrong with [him]," my challenge is to find joy in my life despite HIS lack of joy in his own. Usually I succeed, but sometimes he wins.

I'm looking at the title of your blog and wondering if you need to take the hint. Are you doing morning pages? I think they would help--at least to define what's particularly troubling right now. And as a means to vent somewhat constructively. I'm pullin' for you, kid.

QuiltingFitzy said...

I read your post before bed last night and decided to think about it. I guess I'd just consider it temporary apathy.

IMHO - you have 2 choices. Go with the flow, or make a change.


87 shopping days til Christmas, sounds like a fine time to begin focusing on others.

Hugs and a hot cuppa? K? done.

debraspincic said...

I like Fitzy's idea. You may need to reconnect with your random acts of kindness. Maybe focus on the recipient and how you will be bringing joy to her/his life.

Anonymous said...

rearrange the furniture...oh wait thats for sexual frustration.

Personally I think it's boredom. Maybe only borderline, but you are used to a daily routine, so maybe you just need to change what you do one day.

Or maybe you are just waiting for the snow to fly.