Check my ticker, above. 1 pound to go to reach my Springtime Goal. I've lost 24 pounds since the beginning of the year and that makes me very excited. *I* can see the difference, my eye bags are shrinking, my hips are a little narrower, my knees don't ache so much. But I'm afraid, really I am. What I weigh today is still far more than I should, and I don't know how to NOT be fat. I fear that I'm venturing into unfriendly waters and I'm sure what kind of monsters I'll find.
Almost all my life I've been a little heavy. I hit 100 pounds before I hit middle school. I was not athletic as a kid, I preferred to lose myself in a book than in the woods. I have 3 brothers and a tomboy sister and I was different. Although I wasn't really at the time, I was told, often, that I was fat. Not chubby, not pudgy, FAT. By my sister, by my brothers, and even by my mother and father. When I "discovered" eating disorders I knew I'd found my salvation and developed an unnatural affection for the ladies' room. Binging and then throwing up. Imagine! I could eat (temporarily) anything I wanted!
I never got dangerously thin, but I did get ugly skinny for a while. I wasn't happy though, there was always 5 more pounds between me and bliss. That bliss never happened and I eventually studied, worked, and exhausted myself out of my vomitous ways. I continued to exercise, but not in the obsessive way I had. Without a car (in a city that didn't require one anyway) I walked everywhere, learned to eat again, and put a little weight on. I got married, we moved to a new place that DID require a car, and I continued to put on a few pounds. It still wasn't awful, I looked good, I felt good, life was good.
We moved back to Canada and had a baby. Few more pounds, little less exercise, but still good. Few more years, a few more babies, a few more pounds, and life still felt good. Then I caught sight of my reflection and I was SHOCKED! I honestly had no idea! Who was that fat old woman who'd swallowed my beautiful young self? I've deluded myself. I didn't feel good, I certainly didn't LOOK good, things were NOT as good as I thought they were. January 1, 2006 I stepped on the scale and said enough. More than enough, actually. That was 24 pounds ago, and I know I'm doing the right thing.
The problem is, I never learned how to be comfortable in a thin body and now I'm pointing my boat into those waters again. Eep!
4 comments:
I think a person's body image perception is formed very early. I was always a "skinny" girl and young woman. Now, in my later years I think of myself as slim even when evidence before my eyes shows a different picture. I think that even if I put on fifty pounds my mental image would be skinny.
Christine in the Delta
I used my fatness to repel others, in particular the then-current dh. How's that for TWISTED?!
Funny thing, now I'm trying to loose so I can be healthy and enjoy many years with my new dh.
I guess my point is, we did what we did for what we thought were the right reasons at that time. We change, and so have our priorities.
You have lost the most in our group, you are an amazing woman. Great family, great artisan, great personality. You can only get better by being the best person you can be (which btw, includes your health!). You've done a terrific job, be proud of your accomplishment, not afraid!
Think about the example you lead, you just can't go wrong.
Will you choose a new goal? Or are you at the maintenance point? I'm in it for the long haul, I have 52.5 more of these to loose!
Maintanence? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Nope, nowhere near. I'll set another small goal, probably something for Easter. I have to pull out the calendar, count weeks, figure out any HUGE obstacles and then set a new number. I don't even want to mention the BIG number because I really don't know where that will be. I think I'll know it when I see it, but I don't see it yet.
My reason for setting these little goals is 2 part, I think. First, they keep the end in sight, and that's a GOOD thing. And second, it gives me a chance to say, "see, I got here and the world din't end. Let's see if I can get THERE safely too." So far so good, but boy oh boy do I need ALL of your support.
Congratulations Dorothy on your success!
I can relate to the strange feeling that you get when you say goodbye to the old fat self. I too have been through periods of dramatic weight loss, but unfortunately I usually gain most of it back.
Along with the excitement of having a new body, you get attention that you might or might not want. There is some comfort in the familiar, too, and letting go of old things is hard.
All that said, keep in mind how hard you have worked to get where you are today. I think it's ok to feel anxious about change, and wise to know WHY you feel the way you do. Jen
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